Late Night Musings

Last night, like each night this past week (I cannot believe it's been a full week), we were up late with my in-laws.  Bed time is the worst.  Being alone with your thoughts is terrible.  They are afraid of it I think.  And I understand why.

So each night, when everyone leaves, we sit, drink tea, tell stories.  We are exhausted.  But we stay together.  Because there is an inherent strength in the togetherness.  Slowly we make our way up to their room.  Stopping in each room on the way.  Drinking our tea.  Eating the cookies people have brought.  Talking.

After the service yesterday evening, my father-in-law said a few words that resonated.  He mentioned how angry Jonny would be that we were all so sad.  That we needed to do our best to smile because that's what he would have wanted.

And it's true.  This moping around was not his style.  I never saw him angry.  Ever.  It's kind of unbelievable.  But true...

Here are some thoughts I scribbled last night.  Late.  After I put my children then my parents to bed.  And I had a moment of silence.  In the dark.:

in his life he made people smile.  that was his thing.  if he spent his days making us happy, and we spend the days after his life in sadness, what was the point of his time here?  not only would he not want it this way, it would devalue the time he spent with us.  living in sadness does his life no justice.  we have to rise above this, find a way to learn, grow, make use of what he taught us.  i am going to do my best to pay respect to his amazing life by trying to see this as an opportunity.  from here on out, each moment should be real, honest, true, full.  a piece of my heart will always be with jonny, but let me fill that void with love and determination.

his life had so much meaning.  it is evident in the thousands of people who have reached out, come to pay their respects, sent their love our way.  and in just 23 short years...  for him, for me, for my family, may my life be filled with true love and honest intention.  may i find a way to come to peace with this tragedy and follow in the steps of my baby brother and impact peoples lives that cross my path.  the joy and happiness that trailed him in his journey was...true.