Another Bad Day, More Will

Yesterday was another bad day.  It took my by surprise.  I knew I would have "some good days and some bad", but for some reason I wasn't prepared for two bad in a row after an okay day a few days ago.

Strange how the mind works.  I find myself incapable of comprehending certain concepts and suddenly fine with other things that I could not even think about days ago.  I am able to tell the story.  Able to see pictures of him.  Able to smile about Jonny.  But it's all very shallow.  Whenever my mind goes deep, thinks about the things he'll never have, starts to miss him, I shut down.  Like I'm incapable of processing those thoughts.  The past is somehow ok, but the future is off limits.

Not only was yesterday our official last day of shiva (formal mourning), we also had the movers come to unload all of our stuff from storage into our new home.  The house is far from ready, so it was filled with movers and construction workers all day.  I just sat there, frozen, unable to answer the simplest of questions: where does this rug go?  do you want this bed upstairs or down in the basement?  I found it impossible to make so many decisions.  It all just felt so inconsequential.  Things seem to matter less.  Little things.  Details.

I left in the middle of the day to go to SoulCycle.  Richie insinuated I should stay with the movers and answer their questions while he went to work.  Someone should be there.  I was always the one to be there.  The movers gave me a look like I was crazy when I left, but I left.  I needed to.  For me.  It was my friend Conor's class.  And his knee is bum.  And I was supposed to ride the instructor bike for him.  And I really wanted to.  I needed the healing energy, to challenge myself to see if I could be back up there, I needed a break, release, distraction.

So I went.  And the old me never would have went.  But the new me has vowed to do more of what I want to do.  What I need to do for me.  What is good for me.  And I was really proud of myself.  For going.  For not just thinking about it.  For not regretting not going.